Animal jokes

What do you call a prehistoric crow? Crow-Magnon.

Why aren't dogs known as carrots? Because they aren't.

If I was a cow and could dance, I'd bust some moooooves while I uddered some lyrics!

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

What did the duck do when he crossed the road?

The duck jumped into a pool of ant piles! 💀💀

What does a dog do in a dresser?

It pants!

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.

How do you get a monkey off the wall?

You jerk him off!

Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?

Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because she wanted to have an affair with the rooster.

Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.

Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?

'Cause there’s too many cheetahs.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

What's the difference between Michael Joseph Jackson and Mickey Mouse? Besides being a disease-carrying rodent, and one a dangerous pedophile, Mickey Mouse can still touch and go near kids.

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

Why is the cheetah so bad at hide-n-seek? Because every time she hides, she will always [be] spotted.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."