Aed jokes
When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?
I had a dream of swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it is just a FANTAsea.
Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Why does the pimp always use job fairs as a way of recruiting new hoes?
He always gets a great turnout.
No one:
Nothing:
Not a single f***ing soul:
Spanish Empire: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG!
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?
The boomerang is guaranteed to come back.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.
How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?
His face was chiseled in a mountain.
What do you call a flying Aboriginal?
Boong 747.
What's the difference between a mole and an eagle?
They both live underground, except for the eagle.
Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.
Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.
What do you call a flying sheep?
A muttonbird.
Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Neona (😟): I bet you I'm not going to get that job at all!
Gwen (😌): Yeah well, I believe in you.
Neona (😔): You got the job, and am I still waiting for them to call me and remind me that I will, but I won't get it. Anyway, I need to prepare for a job that I won't get.
Gwen (😠): Neona, you just don't got enough confidence. You got to have confidence in life. I know you will get the job. I do now. Just believe instead of giving up!
Neona (😞): UGH fine!!!
Gwen (😉): I'll see you at that job interview!!!! Put a smile on your face, too!
Neona (😊): Okay...Gwen, you're the best!
What do you call a short student?
A Ravin.