Aed jokes
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
An Indian guy and an American guy in a wheelchair met in a bar for drinks.
The American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk.
The Indian guy got drunk and walked away.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"
What do you say to a guy with Down syndrome who’s on top of a sky scraper? "Jump!"
Today I feel diving. Today I feel penalty. Today I feel tap in. Today I feel ghosting. Today I feel finished. Today I feel a bench warmer... I know what it feels to be discriminated... I was bullied because I am Pristiano Penaldo.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
I guess that corn is a-maize-ing.
Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
Where does a crayon go on vacation? To color-ado.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
Why can you slap an orphan?
Are they going to tell mommy?
How do you know a cannibal picnic is over?
Everyone's eaten.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.