Aed jokes
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
Sans: Zzzzzzzz.
Papyrus: SANS, WAKE UP!!
Sans: What is it, dude?
Papyrus: A human has fallen from the surface world!
Sans: And you gotta BONE to pick with 'em??
What do you call a musician 👩🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?
A popsinger.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What’s a sheep’s favorite fruit?
A baaaaaaaanaaaaaana!
What kind of fish comes out at night?
A starfish.
A block of gold walked into a bar. The bartender said, “AU, get out!”
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
This is to the girl/boy named Gwen: Are you okay? I see there is a bunch of haters but DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let the haters get to you. I hope you see this and respond and that you are okay. Please Gwen, be honest.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."