Aed jokes
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.
He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
What do you call a cow eating grass?
A Lawn Moo-er.
What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.
The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.
The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"
The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"
What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?
One of them has a POINT:)
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
Apples get picked.
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
Your forehead is so big, it's a $20 taxi ride from your hairline to your eyebrows.
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.
What do you call a pregnant slave? A two for one deal.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.