Aed jokes

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

I just thought of the best invention ever: a vape dildo.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?

Cause that's the only way they get love.

Yo mama so fat when she went on a plane, somebody yelled "A solar eclipse!"

What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A stoner has papers.

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.