Aed jokes
What is the definition of Hell, a city in the state of Michigan?
So I was at high school one day in the bathrooms, and I'm circumcised, and the kid next to me wasn't, so he showed me his pp, and he had a foreskin, so I was just playing with it until the teacher walked in, then I got fired...
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?
One of them is an outside job.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
How did the man in prison escape?
He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
I'm in school lol.
Every zodiac sign has a different hairstyle except Cancer.
What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?
Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan?
One is wanted and one's not.
What makes William Afton and a boomerang common?
They always come back.
Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?
Because it got everybody's pokes!
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.
Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?
Because his parents will be far from home.