Aed jokes
Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!
Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!
How do you win an argument against an emo kid?
Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.
This is not a joke. Stop online dating.
You will never see a redneck opposing a war.
He will instead say, "Wait, I get to kill people and it's not illegal? And they're foreigners?"
It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
Where do terrorists go for a drink?
At the Allahu-ak Bar.
What do you call a bitch?
You call it a female dog.
What is a Jedi's favorite Italian dessert?
Obi-Wan Cannoli.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought a jigsaw meant dancing with a saw!
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.
You want a pizza from me!!!!
You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?
Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.
What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.
What do you call a dog magician?
Labracadabrador!
What's a pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake.
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.