Aed jokes
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
A) Why don't orphans play Minecraft Online?
Q) Because Technoblade will get their I.P. address and cum to their houses!
Schools be like "dRuGS arE BaD," then prescribe a 6-year-old Adderall for not wanting to sit in the same spot for 8 hours.
When I was younger, I went to an Indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to "hold it properly." So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.
My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.
You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
Why did Sally fall dead?
Because she was on top of a tower and fell because she had no arms. Hahahahaha!
My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.
Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!
Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.
What did Sally get for her 18th birthday? A brick.
Why did she get a brick? She hit 18.
What did the poop say to the toilet paper? “You’re on a roll!”
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
What is a rabbit's favorite type of jewelry?
Carats.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
What is a cow's favorite water sport?
Ca-MOO-ing!
"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What did one condom say to the other condom as they were passing a gay bar? "Let's go get shit faced!"