Aed jokes
Roll your eyes back, you might find a brain back there.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?
Finger-food.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
I tried to find a camouflage shirt, but I couldn’t find one.
What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.
What do you call a man who plays Fortnite 24/7?
A: A virgin.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"