Aed jokes
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she was hit by a bus.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.
So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"
I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"
She said, "*sniff* yes."
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a rock?
A rock can break a glass ceiling.
What do you call a router in a thong?
CISCO....(that thong thong thong thong!)
What is the difference between lettuce and a hamburger?
When the lettuce runs, the hamburger cries.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Tonight I'm making a fort. I'm calling it Fortnite.
A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to hit on a blonde. When she turns him down, he goes to her and says, "C'mon, I'm a fun guy!"
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.