Aed jokes
I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday.
Me: "Are you ok sir?"
Midget: "Well, I'm not happy."
Me: "Well, which one are ya?"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I like my women how I like my wine.
14 years aged and locked in a cellar.
My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.
I asked my zombie boyfriend, "Does he have a brain?" Because he's stupid asf.
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.
My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.
A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.
"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.
"What is it?" The doctor asks.
"I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.
". . . That's because I amputated your arms."
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What does America say?
A-marry-ca!
What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.
It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
They both go in a pen.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackhead.
A man lost his left arm.
He's all right now.
Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.