Advice jokes

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him, "Go big or go home," he/she only had one option.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Why did the orphan go to church?

To hear some "foster" parenting advice.

Keep yourself safe!

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

If you are homeless, get a home.

What did the talking rope say to the man?

"Just hang in there."

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What's something you shouldn't tell a paraplegic that's being confronted by a bully?

Just walk away.

What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."

Just ask your dad.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Hillary Clinton is elected president...

And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.