Advice jokes

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

There are women complaining about being r@ped.

JUST DON'T GO NEAR DARK ALLEYS WITH A SPORTS BRA ON. 😁

Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching? A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

If you're white and you're racist to someone, don't do anything.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe... Breathe..."

I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

"If you can't win, lose."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Best way to kiss someone is to lick inside their mouth with your tongue a lot of times, and they will really like it, especially me!! - lizard kiss+ french kiss= SloBbY Kiss.

Thanks for learning and getting advice.

Also, don't be such a horny one!

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.