Advice jokes
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
Why am I so fat? When I was younger my mother said I should be the bigger person.
Memes
Mom told me drugs are my enemies.
Jesus said to like your enemies.
Yay, I can like drugs then!
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"
Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.
What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?
Just hang in there, man.
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
What did the talking rope say to the man?
"Just hang in there."
How to not exist: Kys.
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.
Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.
I guess they're whore-ible.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.