Advice jokes

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.

Why did the orphan go to church?

To hear some "foster" parenting advice.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.