Advice jokes
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breathe... Breathe..."
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Best way to kiss someone is to lick inside their mouth with your tongue a lot of times, and they will really like it, especially me!! - lizard kiss+ french kiss= SloBbY Kiss.
Thanks for learning and getting advice.
Also, don't be such a horny one!
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
Mom told me drugs are my enemies.
Jesus said to like your enemies.
Yay, I can like drugs then!
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?
You need more dressing.
If you're white and you're racist to someone, don't do anything.
My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.
And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.
What do you tell someone who has depression?
Answer: Just hang in there.
Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.
A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.
Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”