Advice jokes

"What do you tell a person with depression?

Just hang in there, buddy!"

Quote of the day:

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

Chao!!!

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"

A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."

(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

You’re so short, you must need a ladder to reach your advice and dreams.

When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.

If you're seeing this, this is your sign to go fuck yourself.

Why was the orphan so successful? They said "go big or go home," but he could not do the second.

When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the shoe store, she needs to take their advice and get XXXXL.

I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.

Why is there no medication in Africa?

Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."

What do you call a fat motivational speaker?

Four chin teller.

Don't listen.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.

Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.