A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:
Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?
What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawking after a house fire.
After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
