Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident. They’ll hear the one word they hate the most. “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE”
Q.What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
billie: hi
me: you wanna hear a story?
billie: yes sure
me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb, and a pregnant woman
They're both accidents
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that
I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.
My son asked me how i'm so clean,"inside out.". I told him because of bleach. the next day I found him drinking the bleach.
I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately...”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son
Stephen Hawking died because he accidentaly lost his bluetooth connection
you
So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree He now knew how the Mercedes bends
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
Get off me homes.
Why didn't Sally get home from work.
She got hit by a bus
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
3 men walk into heaven at the same time. they all live in the same city. god asks the first man "how did you die?" the man says "I have a heart condition and iv'e been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. anyway I get how from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hang of the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guys fingers! he falls into a bush so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man "how did you die?" the man says I was cleaning the windows and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! luckily I fall safely in a bush! but then a refrigerator falls on me!" god asks the third man he says" I was the one in the fridge!"
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: he got shot
Why did Billy fall off his bike? Because his dad threw a chair at him.