Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamuswife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5min later I found fell it in gutter

Why can’t antelopes get married?

Because they can’t elope.

Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definately not an accident.

My dad always used to beat me but he never beat cancer

I was arrest for eating to much crack on accident. How? My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face

you where born on the free way you know why because

thats where alot of accidents happen 😈

Your family in a nutshell

My fish pun aren’t on porpoise.

dad: My kid just said butch but since he is a kid he said a bad word on accident the next day uncle: F*CK

(knock knock) whos there, Accident, accident who, accident you

Jerry:my dad got into a fight on a plane Jeremy:that’s just plane crazy!

There were three men in a car, the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes the to the woods and says, “I’m not really a cab driver, I’m a wanted killer”. The homeless man says"I’m not really homeless" and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we’re gonna be completely honest, I’m not a rapper, i’m a cop’’

these are all of my terrible jokes

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said "I’ll serve you but don’t start anything A dyslexic man walks into a bra Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says "does this taste funny to you, I’m joking of course" Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor “I can’t feel my legs” the doctor said " I know, I AMPUTATED YOUR ARMS" I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says "dam" A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out of a "small medium at large" A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says "a beer please,and one for the road" Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent YO MAMA SO FAT THAT she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh A priest a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar, the cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, how far do you think I can kick this bucket A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico What’s green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels WERE A LIE. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck Why couldn’t the dinosaur break the wall, I don’t know. I’m asking you Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker, she has dementia There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It’s an owl it can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey

i love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened but why isn’t anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were! :)

when a kinderX=MsgBox(“you do not have permission to delete this item”,2+64,“error”)the abcsgarten teacher askes a kid to sing alphabet he said ab3defg teacher said do you like 3d he said yeah teacher yelled ok do you have a3ds yeah he said teacher goes ito his bag and sais say abcs or your 3ds will be destroyed he says ab3defghijlmnopqrs oh he learned well the teacher thrw the 3ds out the window the kid gets it and it still wirks then he googles abcs it goes to youtube and says abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz teacher is proud of the 3ds the class went home tekll ing pa

You work at papa’s pizzaria ok?

Boss: your fired! Me: ok? Worker: Why are you fired? Me: oh you wanna know… shows him the oven with my pizza Me: I left my pizza in the oven that bitch burnt as fuck!! Worker: OH SHIT!! Boss: did you say pizza? Me: i sure did! shows boss pizza in oven Me: this hoe black as fuck! Boss: i fired you because i count stop looking at your ass not this why?

The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he feel off his wheelchair, and he must’ve pressed shut down by accident.

a women wakes up in a hospital after a accident and yells “doctor doctor i cant feel my legs” and the doctor say “i know i amputated your arms”

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