Accident jokes
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He just couldn't see that well.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Famous last words:
"Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.