Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
Person: I broke my arm in three places.
Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
What is black and at the top of a staircase?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.
"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jill fell down and Jack came tumbling down after.
(And you thought this would be a joke.)
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
What's black, white, and red all over?
A nun that fell down the stairs.
What's black, white, and laughing?
The nun that pushed her.
