Yours jokes
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
Bro, tampons look like sperms, and they go up your coochie.
You're so skinny that you use Chapstick as deodorant.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?
You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."
What's the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Do you like Wendy's? When deez nutz are in your mouth.
When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)
Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Wanna hear a plane joke? Nah, it'll just go over your head.
Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."
A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.