Yours jokes

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."

Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

Wanna hear a plane joke? Nah, it'll just go over your head.

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Do you like Wendy's? When deez nutz are in your mouth.

You're so skinny that you use Chapstick as deodorant.

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

So Kenny finally found his one true love.

But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.

Your momma is so skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio!

🧀: C’mon tomato!

🍅: I’m trying to ketchup.

🧀: You’re a mile away.

🍅: I am a tomato! It’s not that easy for me to ketchup.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."