You're jokes

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

Wanna hear a plane joke? Nah, it'll just go over your head.

Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

Your momma is so skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio!

So Kenny finally found his one true love.

But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.

🧀: C’mon tomato!

🍅: I’m trying to ketchup.

🧀: You’re a mile away.

🍅: I am a tomato! It’s not that easy for me to ketchup.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

POV: You liked this joke because you're straight.

Like if your dad is abusive.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.

And your IQ is 5.

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)