You're jokes

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

Who needs April Fools?

When your whole life is a joke?

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.