You jokes

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

My dustbin's absolutely full of toadstools!

How do you know it's full?

Because there's not mushroom inside.

I was gonna tell you a great pun, but it's too cheesy.

I needed to take a phone call, so I went to the nearest exit. I guess you can say it was very exciting! 😂

I would tell you the pun about the broken pencil, but it has no point to it.

There are millions of people in the world, yet you are here.

What do you call fake noodles?

Impasta!

What do you call a man shopping? A half-grown carton of cheese.

I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

She said, "Yes."

"Knock knock."

I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

No? Neither did he.

Imagine being named Colby and you burn yourself.

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

What do you call an Asian, a blind man, and a very bad driver?

Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

A: You give them a Sandy Hook.

You look like a cat.

What do you call a child with no family?

Names.

You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.

I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.