You jokes

How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.

Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T

How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? -- A stumblie-mumblie.

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

What do you call an emo filming their suicide?

America's Funniest Home Videos.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

You know, most people take rocks for granite... sorry.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.

The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."

The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.