You jokes

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?

Special Forces incoming!

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.

What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.