You Jokes

What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? -- A stumblie-mumblie.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

FIRST DATE

Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."

lol me all the time

The image shows two men sitting on a couch. One man on the left is being held with his mouth covered by the other man. The text above the image says, "When your best friend starts telling..." and text below says "... an embarrassing story about you."

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"

Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"

Dad: "Ask your sister."

Girl: "I don't have a..."

Why do feminists eat so much pussy?

To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.

Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?

How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.

Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

What do you call an emo filming their suicide?

America's Funniest Home Videos.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.