You jokes

Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?

Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"

What did the roti say to pratha?

You white like a white bastard.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Did you sit in sugar?

Because you've got a sweet ass.

I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."

What do you call six gay men in a war? Rainbow Six Siege.

Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"

Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"

Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*

Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"

Lady: "Let me do that."

Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"

Police: Come with me, I’m taking you home.

Orphan: Well, we need to find them first.

Police: Then I don’t need to take you home.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

How do you talk to giants? Using big words.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈

How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.

What do you call identical tall people? Twin Towers.

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.

“NO NO NO”

I’ll give you some candy.

“Oh ok🤩”

Is crummy bears alright??

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

"You must be why they invented the word ugly."