You Jokes

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

The perfect way to eavesdrop

A two-panel image of a man with a beard and dark hair. In the left panel, he is sitting down, wearing headphones and holding a phone. In the right panel, it's a close up of his face, with headphones. The text overlay reads: "When you pause the music, but keep the headphones on, so you can eavesdrop."

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say when you were leaving? "Thanks for coming!" 😉😉

Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Why are women like KFC?

After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

How is spinach like anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"