You jokes

What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?

Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

A. Depends how thin you slice them.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter? It only came in male boxes.

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

How is spinach like anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

Why are women like KFC?

After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.