You jokes
I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.
What do you call an expert fisherman?
A "MASTER-BAITER".
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?
A self-fie.
Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."
Memes
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
What do you call a depressed person?
Me.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.
Did you hear about the lesbian midget? She probably came out of the cabinet.
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, You bend over, You're about to get fisted.
Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?
A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?