You jokes
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
What do you call a depressed person?
Me.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?
Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.
Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?
Son: A ugly girl.
Dad: Why not a pretty girl?
Son: A pretty one might run away.
Dad: So an ugly one might too.
Son: Yeah, but who cares?
What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?
Ginger! You racist fuc-
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)