You jokes
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
Yo, hairline go so far back that your dad found it before you did.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
If you are a girl and your favorite movie as a kid was Mulan, they successfully made a man out of you.
Wow, you did 10 chin-ups? Was it 1 for each chin?
Why did Hellen Keller's dogs run away?
Because wouldn't you runway too if your name was djhdhekdndyekedhekekfjkfurir?
How do you make a cat say woof? You cover it in petrol and light a match.
What do you call a fat Indian sat on the floor?
A meatball/malteser.
How do you anger a Republican?
Tell him the truth.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth, then it's a soap opera.
What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?
Maracas.
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow raincoat, people call out, "TAXI!"
You want to know why Santa brings such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
Hey, you there, were you raised on a chicken farm? 'Cause you really know how to raise a cock!
Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?
You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-
(Destroys phone cutely)
"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"
What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed.
What do you call a gay person on fire?
LGBBQ
Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.