You jokes
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?
A mathive dick.
I don't get people who treat you like shit and cross your boundaries, then are surprised when you have depression.
It's because of them after all. 🥰✨️
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
Did you hear? There's a new fast food restaurant coming: Jacko in the Box.
What do you call a disabled person that has no legs and likes being alone?
Leaving, walking.
Beethoven to Chris Doemges: "What instrument do you play outside in the Arctic at -12 degrees Celsius?"
Doemges: "Probably the shiver..."
Tork Poettschke says to Charles Bukowski: "You have beautiful teeth! Are they also available in white?"
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?
Strong to the finish.
Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.
How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.
What do you do when you run out of carpets? Fetch your shotgun and look for Explain Bear.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.
Did you get seafood without me?
Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?
You will find Taylor Swift on the streets before you find your hairline.