You jokes

What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?

House of Pain—"Jump Around."

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?

Guarded.

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

How do you know Adam and Eve were white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from black women?

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"