You jokes
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
What do you call a Mexican door?
Dora.
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.
Why can't you play with a cheetah?
Because they are cheat-ahs!
What did the pencil say to the piece of paper? You FLAT.
What did the spoon say to the pancake batter? You THICK.
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
Deja-poo.
The sense or feeling you have dealt with this crap in the past.
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a square room and tell her to run in a circle.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?
A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).
Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: If you sing the ABCs.
Boy: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNORSTUVWXYZ!
Teacher: Where’s the P?
Boy: In my pants! Lol. That’s all mates! Have a good day! (Or night)
What do you call a field of masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin' off.
People are like tequila glasses,
you gotta shoot them down fast.
What should you use to battle a T-Rex?
A dino-sword.
What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."