You jokes

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in some laundry...

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!

What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

What do you call a blind German?

A Nazi (not see).

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?

He got hearing aids.

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

What do you call a blowjob in Africa?

Breakfast.

The term "every 60 seconds" is so stupid.

You know Africans don’t get seconds.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"