You jokes

Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?

You keep the tradition of hitting black things.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?

Except at a funeral.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.