You jokes
You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?
Answer: Living.
Why did your emo mom get you?
To have someone to hang out with.
If you think the guy calling you fat is offensive,
Try salad 🥗.
Don't believe what your school bully tells you.
Always take it with a grain of assault.
Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.
You guys know the notes A Minor and D? I really like putting D in A Minor!
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Make them clap until their parents come back.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Because I know they haven't.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"
Little William punched Little Johnny in the face. Then Little Johnny says, "If you do that again, I'm gonna turn your fucking nuts into coconut juice."
What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?
A cutting board.
Kid: Hi.
Janitor: Wtf you want, kid?
Kid: Why are you rude?
Janitor: 'Cause I have a shitty job.
When you look in the mirror, the mirror cracks.
What do you call dead?
(Not Michael Jackson)
What do you call James Bond when he’s taking a bath?
Bubble 07.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
What do you get when you mix Harry Houdini, a basketball, and the 17th president?
Magic Johnson.
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.