You jokes
You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?
Answer: Living.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
What do you get when you mix Harry Houdini, a basketball, and the 17th president?
Magic Johnson.
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.
You are the special
I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
What did the letter A say to the letter B?
"Z" you later.
Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
Voldemort: Knock, knock.
Harry Potter: Who's there?
Voldemort: You know.
Harry Potter: You know who?
Voldemort: Exactly!
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
Q: What did one atom say to the other?
A: I have my ion you.
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini.
What do you call a fat fortune teller? A four-chin teller.
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?
Pot wheels.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?