You jokes

How do you clean the ocean?

With tide!

What do you call a country with nukes?

Abomination.

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Car-los

How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?

If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.

What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four chin teller.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-alot-a-puss.

Guy feels something on his back.

“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”

“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

How do you punish Helen Keller? Just move the couch.

I love you.

What is the difference between a flat tire bicycle and a woman?

Answer: You need to pump the tire on the bicycle before you ride it, while a woman you need to ride her and pump.

You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.

How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

Papyrus: Sans, can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human!

Sans: Sure bro, lemme just get on the Tele-bone.

Papyrus: Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!!

Sans: Yea bro.

Papyrus: You know what? I will tell Undyne instead.

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

Why shouldn't you let a Chinese person play baseball?

'Cause they'll eat the bat!