You jokes
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
Are you a mirror, because I see myself in you?
Say what you want about Hitler, but in the end, he did kill Hitler.
How do you get a million Pikachus in a bus?
You shove them on!
I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You Poker Face.
Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?
A waist of time.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahaha!
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"