You jokes
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
What is the difference between the snow boots on a day today, but you have the one was the night you were coming tomorrow? I can get home night time for.
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
What do you call a pillow that has been on the bed for 20 years in jail?
A criminal! 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
To all of you who can't understand using jokes as a coping mechanism... you know what I will ask of you :)
Why did the chicken say to the football guy, "You quarter?"
What's red and screams when you shake it?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
What do you call a chicken that was cared for? A tendered chicken.
Hello. What can I get you? A knife, mustard, Marella, gorilla?
How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?
Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
What do you call something that has 50 legs but can't walk? 25 disabled people!
You know how many people said, "This ship will never sink?"
They jinxed it by saying "never sink."
What do you call a gay friend?
Miguel Del Rosario Domingo.
Did you know that the "F" in orphan stands for family?
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane?
A biplane.