Pub jokes

Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?

Because there’s a bartender in there.

A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. Oh wait...

A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."

In England, for every church, there are two pubs.

In Poland, for every pub, there are two churches.

So, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "Alright, so a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "Okay, here you go." So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.

A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"

The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...

Bloody seamen.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

What’s the name of the band in the gay bar?

A: Beers for Queers.

An Irishman walks into a pub.

At least Stephen Hawking could go on a pub crawl.

Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."

An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"