You jokes
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
You guys asked for a joke? Well, you're in luck, because you already are one!
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"
The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."
The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"
The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Memes
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?
Are you 7/11 or 9/11?
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?
A pillow fight.
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it goo!
What do you call dogs dressed as dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?
Morgz.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.