You jokes
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs?
Names.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What do you call a Chinese baby?
Sum Ting Wong.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was "remarkable."
What do you get when you cross a stick and a dog? A run away joke...
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.
He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"
A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.
Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*
Friend: Are you okay?
Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!
I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"
Like if you think oily men are hot.
You know Imagine Dragons?
Imagine draggin' these balls.
It's okay, you had socks on :)
Are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
What's the difference between you and an orphan?
Nothing.
Have you ever walked into Helen Keller’s house?
She has.
What do you call my sister?
Suicidal.