You jokes

Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!

This joke is kinda offensive, but here you go.

What’s the longest joke of the year? Pride month.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

What do you say after you go out for middle eastern food? I falafel (feel awful)!

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...

AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."

So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! 😊😊😊 But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................

ok like for part two☺☺☺

When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.

6 looks like someone facing up.

9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.

What do you call a group of cops having a sleep over?

Pigs in a blanket.

"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Can I get a glass of water? I will give you anything you ask.

Really, then give me a pond of water.

I see what you did there.

What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?

Bruno Mars.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.

Would you help your uncle "Jack" off the horse?

The first time I EVER HAD SEX I WAS ALL ALONE. You know why?

IT WAS DARK and I WAS ALL ALONE!

You and your sister always get into a fight and she says, "I don't care." Then you say right away, "About you!"

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.