You jokes
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
Three guys landed on a cannibal island. The cannibal chef told them if they wanted to live, they had to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to him, and he would tell them what to do.
So the first guy brings 10 apples, and the chef said if he could shove all 10 of those in his ass without making a sound, he could live. He was three apples in and made a sound, and they ate him. The second guy brought grapes; nine grapes in, and he burst out laughing. The cannibals ate him. Then the first guy said, "Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" The other guy who had the grapes said, "I couldn't help it, I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples."
Are you gay? Yeah, because I loved you.
You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.
I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.
I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.
I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"
Son: Mom, can I borrow $50?
Mom: What? NO WAY! Do you think money grows on trees?
Son: Mom, what is money made of?
Mom: Paper.
Son: Where does paper come from?
Mom: . . .
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
Hey, what do you call a beta simp?
You call me the beta simp.
Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
What do you call a creepy flower? A Pedel-File!
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
Do you want to hear a joke?
You.
How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.
What's wrong with 89?
You blow me and I owe you one.
When you have a hand clock it goes tic-tac.
When an American has it go backwards, it's tactic.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"
A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"