You Jokes

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog.

What do you call Juice WRLD in a coffin?

A juice box...

How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?

Mufasa.

A meme shows the question "What does independence look like to you?" followed by the answer "Me:" and an image of a microwave and a bowl of cereal. The microwave and bowl of cereal are displayed on a white background.

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?

Debris.

What do you call a racist crow?

Jim.

Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?

Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

Why shouldn’t you pick on a midget with learning difficulties?

... Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.

North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first.

Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first."

The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die."

Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Your dad never needed a van for you.

What do you say when you see a pig making bread?

He's bacon.

How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.

A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."