You jokes

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-Mean-O-Acid.

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n' Jealousy! 😂

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.

Why don't you fart in an Apple Store?

Because they don't have any Windows.

How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?

You turn off the WiFi router.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

Q: What do you call a cranky cow?

A: Moooooooody.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

Did you know there are black holes billions of years old?

What’s more amazing is the black holes Stephen Hawking studied. We're only 14 years old.

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.

Class: No one stands up.

Teacher: Oh, c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *teacher waves her finger around the left side of the room.*

Little Johnny: *stands up.*

Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?

Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

What do you call an African American pilot?

A pilot, you racist bastard!