You jokes

What do you call a bee’s love?

Honey.

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?

A blender.

How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?

A straw.

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.

How do you get 1 million followers?

You run through Africa with a bottle of water.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

You make them clap until they go home.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.