You jokes
Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?
You: “Knock knock.” Person: “Who’s there?” You: “Leaf.” Person: “Leaf who?” You: “Leaf this house!”
*Apple bottom jeans plays*
Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.
What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?
A Kit Kat.
What do you call a depressed tree?
A wood cutter.
what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
What do you call your angry French aunt?
A crossaunt.
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
How do you get 1 million followers?
You run through Africa with a bottle of water.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.