You jokes
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
What you breathe in is called oxygen, otherwise known as, "African food".
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
A "glad-he-ate-her".
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? -- A cross.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
Yo girl... do you like squirrels, because I'm about to nut in your hole.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."