You jokes

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?

Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

What do you call an orphan when there 18?

Homeless.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?

Mixed nuts.

What do you call a blind German? A Nazi (Not-see)!

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?

European.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

Why can't you tell anyone about space?

Because it's too out of this world!

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS Arrrrr.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

What you breathe in is called oxygen, otherwise known as, "African food".

How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?

Turn on the gas chamber.