You jokes
What do you call a well endowed gay male who is also in a wheelchair?
Meals on wheels.
Are you choked?
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?
Sans: What do you call them?
Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!
"PENIS WAIT WHAT OENIS SUCK MINE DADDY?" Sorry, you are an orphan.
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."
Heh, what do you call two girls who love scissors?
Lesbians! Bahahah!
What is it called when you have four white people in the car?
Clear windows.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? It's pointless.
Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?
A: Tuba-glue.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Are you a school? 'Cause I wanna shoot kids in you.
Having sex in the woods and a deer walks up and fucks you from the back.
What do you call an orphan's family photo?
A self-portrait.
You're so poor, even the store didn't let you buy anything free.