When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
You Jokes
Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One if you throw it hard enough.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)
-> in reality, :( (sob)
depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.
Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.
Like if you love food!
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?
You: No.
Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
What do you call a cute boy with Down syndrome?
Awwtistic.
Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.
I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."
Then which one are you?
Your hairline goes so far back, the dinosaurs saw it before you did.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
