You jokes
You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."
What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?
Land ho!
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?
Stick a chicken wing up there.
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!
What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.