You jokes
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you gotta hand it to her.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
You reload and keep shooting.
You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family photo.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?
Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
Daddy.
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)
Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"
Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."
Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"
Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."
Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"
Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."
Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"
Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"
Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."
Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
What do you call an Indian in a Lamborghini?
CURRY in a hurry.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.