You jokes
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.
Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
Did you know there are black holes billions of years old?
What’s more amazing is the black holes Stephen Hawking studied. We're only 14 years old.
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
Sir, I mustache you a question...
Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.
What do you call a passport for Mandalorians?
A Pre Visa!
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.
What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.